I don't let my mother blog...
...Or sleep, or eat, or bathe, or cry!
But, I think I do make her smile.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
I Had Never Imagined...
...that my days and nights can be defined by the colour, texture, consistency and frequency of someone's potty.
On second thoughts, I never realized that potty could have so many varying shades of colour, texture and consistency.
On second thoughts, I never realized that potty could have so many varying shades of colour, texture and consistency.
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Labour Story- Get some beer, a few cushions, a lot of time and then start on this
My mind has this strange habit- it obliterates bad memories and people. It’s like those moments or people just do not exist. Completely!
Suddenly I realized that the mind was in the process of of doing the same with my labour and delivery memories. Though in all honesty, labour and the delivery were still the bearable, good parts- what happened afterwards was the scary phase. Anyways my expectations of the delivery and labour were so low that perhaps that is the reason that I felt the entire process was bearable. Or maybe what happened after that in the coming month was so very intense that in retrospect, I felt the delivery was much more manageable.
I tried documenting the labour story quite a few times but could never make myself to revisit it calmly. Now after almost a month and a half, I have tried jotting down what happened. This entire piece has taken me quite a few sittings to complete. As usual do ignore typos, grammatical errors. Just love me a little more for making the effort.
On second thoughts, love me anywhichways- without a reason!
Anyways, as documented on this blog, by the 38th week of my pregnancy I was literally ready to push the baby out - anyhow. This is how it happened exactly- the time mentioned here are approximations but very really close to reality or a reality that I remember it of, as of now.
14th December
5:00 pm
Heavily bloated and irritable at answering nth query on whether the baby was out yet or not, I reach home from office and slump down on the sofa with a nice cup of tea. I pat my dog, I blog, I chat, I crib, I cry!
8:00 pm
The Husband comes back home. We slump down on the sofa with a nice cup of tea. We pat our dog, we chat- I crib, I cry.
9:00 pm
Suddenly craving for a steaming badam milk in mitti ka kulhad, we drive down to Bikanerwala. On the way I look up at the unusually clear sky and have a very strong intuition that my life is just about to change.
I say the same to the Husband and refuse to get down from the car. I tell him we are going to have a baby. He panics. I calm him saying that it is just an intuition. I ask him to run and get me Badam Milk. He runs.
Suddenly uneasy I want to go home. We have the milk while he drives us back home.
10:00 pm
We watch Big Boss. I feel uneasy. I rush to the washroom. Nothing. I just feel uneasy. We continue watching Big Boss.
12:00 am
I have a slight twitching in the stomach and my lower back hurts. I can’t sleep. Husband’s snoring. I chat with Non India Resident friends. I ask them if this is what labour feels like. They have no clue. They are men.
1:00 am
I chat with R- based in India yet awake since she is a mommy. I ask her if this is what labour feels like. By now the pain is almost 15 minutes apart and has increased a little. She confidently confirms that it is labour. She asks me to call the doctor immediately.
2:00 am
Feeling guilty at waking up the Doctor at such an ungodly hour or even the Husband, I message the Husband sleeping next to me, mentioning and recording the contractions.
3:00 am
R insists that I wake up the Husband NOW. The pain feels like cramps but is still bearable. I go for a shower. The pain intensifies. I barely make it out of the washroom.
4:00 am
I wake up the Husband. He panics. He asks what should he do? He takes out the Hospital bags. He fetches the car keys. He gets me a cold glass of milk. He asks me again on what should he do? I give him an angry stare. He shuts up.
We call the Doctor.
5:00 am
The Doctor asks to come to the Hospital immediately. I am scared. I say, the pain is still bearable- can we stay at home for another hour. She says, no!
5:30 am
Husband goes down with the bags. I walk. My dog is confused. When the Husband comes to fetch me, I am in the middle of a contraction. I am hugging a chair. My dog is hugging me.
We walk out. I turn back- hug my dog once again.
6:00 am
We stop a few times to get over contractions as we make it to the car. By the time we are about to reach the car the pain is so intense that I cannot manage to walk the last few steps. Husband carries me in his arms.
6:15 am
We drive off- the last ride of our life as a couple and not parents. I look outside at the cold and grey winter morning. There are a few people out for their walk. They do not know that our life is just about to change. They keep walking. We keep driving.
6:20 am
The radio plays, ‘Aane waala pal jaane waala hai..’ I smile- I look at the Husband. Throughout the way, we do not talk. During my next contraction, the Husband holds my hand while still driving.
6:30 am
We reach the Hospital. I walk over to the reception. Husband goes to park the car. By then during a contraction, I can barely speak. Husband panics when he sees me. He runs to the reception- asks on where the hell is the labour room. The corridors are deserted at such an early hour. He runs back to me to check on me. He gets an attendant. We walk over to the lift and then check in to the labour room.
6: 40 am
Our friends come over to the Hospital. Husband calms down. I am strapped to the bed and prepped up for delivery. The doctor comes over. She confirms that I am in actual labour and I should deliver by evening.
I panic.
8:00 am
The contractions are intense. I am unable to get through them while strapped to the bed. While the pain hits me, I need to walk to be able to get over it. I ask the nurse to unhook me. She refuses.
R still on chat says that I should DEMAND to be unhooked. No one can forcibly strap me to a bed while I am in labour. This time, I DEMAND to be unhooked. The nurse relents.
The next contraction hits me immediately. Husband walks with me. The friends maintain a stoic silence during a contraction- we gossip and laugh once it gets over. At that point I feel so much in control. I feel I can do this easily. I have the stamina and the will power. This is still managea…b….l… e.
The pain hits me. I grit my teeth. I cry- a little. Not wanting the friends to see that I am crying, I quickly and quietly wash off the single tear that is trickling down my chin.
10:00 am
The friends leave to come back in a few hours- they need to wrap up work, to get some prints of a few of my tests that had happened earlier.
Husband and I walk through the contractions. I take a breather in between and admire the view through an entire wall of glass. The life outside seems as before. There were people driving to work, there was still some mist, there was still the same sun struggling through the fog. But nothing in my life would perhaps ever be the same.
11:00 am
We are asked to go for an ultrasound before the delivery. I am wheeled down to the room. We meet the Ultrasound Doctor. Let’s call him- F’king Piece Of Shit. Now, this FPOS asks me on why am I there. Me, who is in the middle of a contraction is gritting my teeth. He ignores the Husband standing next to me and asks me again, ”So, Minal why are you here?’ The Husband tells him that I am in labour. He again ignores the Husband and asks me on why am I there. Me, who is again in the middle of a contraction by then, grit my teeth, hold on to the sides of the bed tightly and manage to whisper, “I am in labour. I am about to have a baby.”
He straps the machine to my stomach and mutters almost to himself, “Exactly- this should have had happened earlier.”
I tell him I was supposed to have my last scan today but I got into labour last night. He peers at his screen and looks at some complicated charts and then asks the Husband on when was the last scan done. I tell him, 34th week.
He looks at me lying on the bed and says, “ Minal your baby has not developed beyond 34th week. I am sorry to say but there is no growth.” I am in so much pain that I do not understand what is he saying. I look at the Husband. He does not understand either. He gives him a blank look. The FPOS repeats his statement. Husband manages to mutter, “Is everything well?” The FPOS repeats his statement exactly the same way- again. Husband manages to mutter again, “Is everything well?”
I ask the Husband to call my Doctor. The FPOS is by then showing the Husband some complicated charts on screen, examples of some other babies and scans that he had done earlier.
I ask the Husband to leave and to just carry the report. I am wheeled out again. We meet each other’s eyes while in the lift. I can’t feel anything- emotionally, I am blank. Once I reach the room, we call the Doctor. She asks me to calm down and says it seems like a mistake. She has been monitoring me throughout- it doesn’t seem likely.
12:00 am
The pain is unbearable. I am crying openly. There are no breaks in between contractions. I plead the Husband to lets go for a Caesarean delivery. I ask him to call my Doctor. He holds me tightly and peers at the screen which monitors the intensity of the contractions. He sees it increasing and knows that I am just not able to take it anymore. He runs for the Doctor.
The Doctor confirms that I am 5 cms dilated. Mid way through! She asks if I would want to go for an Epidural. I nod my head. A few more people are called in the room. The epidural doctor comes over to me and tells me that she needs to warn me about a few things before they insert the needle in my spine.
For the benefit of those who might not be aware of what an epidural is- it is a life savior. It is a blessing. It is an amazingly beautiful invention. It is some liquid that is passed on to your body by inserting a needle in your spine. Trust me, by then the pain is so very intense that if they would have had wanted to insert 100 needles in my spine saying that that would lessen my pain, I would have had agreed. But that miraculous invention just reduces the pain by about 70 percent. Trust me, at that moment even that promise is worth the needle insertion. Hell, worth insertion of 100’s of needles.
Now, this miraculous invention also has a lot of side affects like shivering, fever, days of continous head ache etc. and before they administer the drug they need to warn the patient and that is what the Epidural Doctor was trying to do. But, I was in no condition to hear. I just screamed at her, “Just go ahead.”
The Husband screamed, “ Just do it.”
She calmly looked at me and continued, “I need to tell the patient. She should be aware of the side effects.” And she continued with her monotone. I just managed to hear her last part, “So, are you fine with it?”
I think I screamed, “ Yes. Yes. Yes. ”
12:30 pm
I am singing. I am really singing and telling the Husband I would want to kiss the person who has invented the epidural. The room is empty again. Husband is sitting on the ledge next to the huge wall of glass. Sun light is streaming in. He is working on his laptop- bathed in the warm light.
I look at him- I feel love. For him. For us.
I sleep.
1:15 pm
I am woken up by a commotion in the room. The moment I open my eyes I see the Husband with a confused look on his face. There are too many people around me. There is too much noise. There is some Doctor screaming at a nurse to wheel me in to the operation room. I hear someone saying, “Put oxygen on her. Check the pulse.”
The next thing that I remember is the huge length of the hospital corridor. I remember the look in the Husband’s eyes. I see him standing right under the white light of the Hospital corridor with a book in hand. I remember meeting his brown eyes over the huge length of the Hospital corridor while I am being wheeled in. He looks like a lost child. There are too many people around me but I can see only one. Only him! The rest are just at the periphery. Somehow hazy- very hazy. I can just not focus on them despite trying.
This room is smaller, more crowded. I ask for my Doctor. She has not come in as yet. I turn towards my right and see the Husband behind a curtain- he meets my eyes and mouths, “Don’t worry. She is on her way.”
The new unknown Doctor is saying, “She is completely dilated. We need to push.” She asks me to push. I tell her I want my Doctor- I can’t feel anything.
Then I hear the voice of my doctor, the one who has taken me through my entire pregnancy. I hear her calm voice asking me to push- I still can't feel anything. She is asking me to calm down, to be with her. I try. I try coming back to the present. I try waking up. I try concentrating. I look at the Husband on my right and I push. I push with all my energies. And now I feel it- I feel the pain. I can feel the head and a searing, tearing pain. The Doctor is calmly talking me through. Though there are too many people around but she is addressing me. She tells me that we are trying to use vaccum to get the baby’s head out as he’s stuck. I nod. She asks me to push- She asks me to not lose faith. She tells me I am doing a good job. I try. But I can just feel the pain. I try getting up a little and I see blood all around. I can see my feet and my white socks soaked in blood. I lie back and I push. With each contraction, there are nurses around me holding my hands down, who are helping me calm down.
I can hear all the talking in the room. The unknown doctor is asking to do a caesarean. There is something on the pulse dropping again. My doctor asks for forceps. I hear her calm voice again saying, “One last attempt. I would try with forceps.”
This hurts. There are too many people around me- all of them almost crying in a fanatic monotone and asking me to push. My Doctor tells me we are almost there. She assures me again that I am doing a very good job- just to hang on a little while longer. There is a nurse on top of me now. Her expert hands are moving across my stomach- it actually feels relieving. I see the Husband walking out. I zone in my energies- one last time.
I push.
1:42 pm
And I hear the crying. Some more commotion but I cannot make out anything that is being said. I see the Cockroach being dangled in front of my eyes. Someone is holding him by his legs. I can’t see the someone holding him but I try and focus on the dangling child. I am told that I have a son. I try asking, “Is everything alright?” I can’t speak.
I am crying silently. I have tears streaming down my eyes. I just can’t stop them. I look towards my left where the placenta is being stored and packed for transfer.
I am shivering. I am feeling very, very cold. I try catching the eyes of my doctor who along with quite a few people whom I do not recognize is stitching me up.
I try telling her that I am cold. I can’t speak. I am shivering. The Doctor senses it. She asks the nurse to get me something warm. I close my eyes. I can hear them talk- each and every word. There is some discussion on the extent of tear. There is a senior doctor who is being called for. There is this senior Doctor who comes in and confirms that it is going the right way. I try opening my eyes and registering her face- I still cannot focus but I can hear. I again close my eyes. I hear someone asking the Doctor that am I sleeping? I hear her almost smiling and asking me, “Minal how can you sleep through this?” I try telling her- I am not. But I can still not form words. I am still shivering. I feel the cold right till my bones. The stitching, the discussions, the people coming in and going carries on for quite some time. I look around for the Husband but I don’t see him. Then I remember asking him to promise that he would be with the Cockroach as soon as he/she is born. To be with him/ her till the Hospital tags him/her. I had an inherent fear of someone tagging and giving me the wrong baby. All babies look similar. How would they know? I feel relieved that the Husband is with the Cockroach.
The Doctor finally confirms that they are through. She congratulates me- tells me I was very, very brave and says she would see me soon. She leaves.
The nurses remove my blanket. They take off my blood soaked socks. She asks me on should she throw it away. I say, no! I am quite sentimental that ways.
(PS: I DID throw away the dried- blood- soaked- stiff socks. I am sentimental but not gross)
I am asked to roll over to a bed right adjacent to the one on which the delivery had happened. I try moving. I can’t feel my lower half of the body. I just can’t move. The nurses try helping me. I am midway between the two when I feel so very light.
I suddenly feel no pain- absolutely no pain.
I see the Husband running towards me with Zero. I see the greenery around. I feel the grass beneath my feet. I feel the wind. I watch Zero running towards me. His hair blowing in the wind. He is running like a lion. He has now reached me. He is jumping all over me. He is licking me. His hair is getting in my nose. I push him. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I am struggling to breathe- his hair is in my nose, in my lungs. I gasp for breath.
Suddenly I feel the pain. Searing, tearing pain. I hear commotion around me. I hear someone calling my name. I feel someone slapping me across my cheeks. I feel some one putting a mask on my face. I remove it. I hear someone asking me, are you fine?
I hear myself speak, “yes!”
3:00 pm
I am wheeled back to the labour room. I see the Husband standing there- we look at each other. I cry!
After settling me down everyone leaves and then the Cockroach is wheeled in in a small breakfast table kind of a rolling piece of furniture. He is just so tiny. He is wrapped up completely. I can just see his face. The smiling nurse hands him over to me and says, “ bahut mushkil se aaya hai aapka yeh beta.”
I don’t know how to hold him. He is just so tiny. I move my fingers across his face. He is just so soft. I move my hands over a tag saying, “Boy of Mrs. Minal Srivastava”
I whisper, “Welcome boy of Mrs Minal Srivastava” and look over at the Husband who still looks dazed. We meet each other’s eyes. We connect like we have perhaps never ever connected in the past decade and more that we have known each other.
We stand like that for what seemed like ages.
It suddenly dawns on me, we were now a family, like for- forever!
Suddenly I realized that the mind was in the process of of doing the same with my labour and delivery memories. Though in all honesty, labour and the delivery were still the bearable, good parts- what happened afterwards was the scary phase. Anyways my expectations of the delivery and labour were so low that perhaps that is the reason that I felt the entire process was bearable. Or maybe what happened after that in the coming month was so very intense that in retrospect, I felt the delivery was much more manageable.
I tried documenting the labour story quite a few times but could never make myself to revisit it calmly. Now after almost a month and a half, I have tried jotting down what happened. This entire piece has taken me quite a few sittings to complete. As usual do ignore typos, grammatical errors. Just love me a little more for making the effort.
On second thoughts, love me anywhichways- without a reason!
Anyways, as documented on this blog, by the 38th week of my pregnancy I was literally ready to push the baby out - anyhow. This is how it happened exactly- the time mentioned here are approximations but very really close to reality or a reality that I remember it of, as of now.
14th December
5:00 pm
Heavily bloated and irritable at answering nth query on whether the baby was out yet or not, I reach home from office and slump down on the sofa with a nice cup of tea. I pat my dog, I blog, I chat, I crib, I cry!
8:00 pm
The Husband comes back home. We slump down on the sofa with a nice cup of tea. We pat our dog, we chat- I crib, I cry.
9:00 pm
Suddenly craving for a steaming badam milk in mitti ka kulhad, we drive down to Bikanerwala. On the way I look up at the unusually clear sky and have a very strong intuition that my life is just about to change.
I say the same to the Husband and refuse to get down from the car. I tell him we are going to have a baby. He panics. I calm him saying that it is just an intuition. I ask him to run and get me Badam Milk. He runs.
Suddenly uneasy I want to go home. We have the milk while he drives us back home.
10:00 pm
We watch Big Boss. I feel uneasy. I rush to the washroom. Nothing. I just feel uneasy. We continue watching Big Boss.
12:00 am
I have a slight twitching in the stomach and my lower back hurts. I can’t sleep. Husband’s snoring. I chat with Non India Resident friends. I ask them if this is what labour feels like. They have no clue. They are men.
1:00 am
I chat with R- based in India yet awake since she is a mommy. I ask her if this is what labour feels like. By now the pain is almost 15 minutes apart and has increased a little. She confidently confirms that it is labour. She asks me to call the doctor immediately.
2:00 am
Feeling guilty at waking up the Doctor at such an ungodly hour or even the Husband, I message the Husband sleeping next to me, mentioning and recording the contractions.
3:00 am
R insists that I wake up the Husband NOW. The pain feels like cramps but is still bearable. I go for a shower. The pain intensifies. I barely make it out of the washroom.
4:00 am
I wake up the Husband. He panics. He asks what should he do? He takes out the Hospital bags. He fetches the car keys. He gets me a cold glass of milk. He asks me again on what should he do? I give him an angry stare. He shuts up.
We call the Doctor.
5:00 am
The Doctor asks to come to the Hospital immediately. I am scared. I say, the pain is still bearable- can we stay at home for another hour. She says, no!
5:30 am
Husband goes down with the bags. I walk. My dog is confused. When the Husband comes to fetch me, I am in the middle of a contraction. I am hugging a chair. My dog is hugging me.
We walk out. I turn back- hug my dog once again.
6:00 am
We stop a few times to get over contractions as we make it to the car. By the time we are about to reach the car the pain is so intense that I cannot manage to walk the last few steps. Husband carries me in his arms.
6:15 am
We drive off- the last ride of our life as a couple and not parents. I look outside at the cold and grey winter morning. There are a few people out for their walk. They do not know that our life is just about to change. They keep walking. We keep driving.
6:20 am
The radio plays, ‘Aane waala pal jaane waala hai..’ I smile- I look at the Husband. Throughout the way, we do not talk. During my next contraction, the Husband holds my hand while still driving.
6:30 am
We reach the Hospital. I walk over to the reception. Husband goes to park the car. By then during a contraction, I can barely speak. Husband panics when he sees me. He runs to the reception- asks on where the hell is the labour room. The corridors are deserted at such an early hour. He runs back to me to check on me. He gets an attendant. We walk over to the lift and then check in to the labour room.
6: 40 am
Our friends come over to the Hospital. Husband calms down. I am strapped to the bed and prepped up for delivery. The doctor comes over. She confirms that I am in actual labour and I should deliver by evening.
I panic.
8:00 am
The contractions are intense. I am unable to get through them while strapped to the bed. While the pain hits me, I need to walk to be able to get over it. I ask the nurse to unhook me. She refuses.
R still on chat says that I should DEMAND to be unhooked. No one can forcibly strap me to a bed while I am in labour. This time, I DEMAND to be unhooked. The nurse relents.
The next contraction hits me immediately. Husband walks with me. The friends maintain a stoic silence during a contraction- we gossip and laugh once it gets over. At that point I feel so much in control. I feel I can do this easily. I have the stamina and the will power. This is still managea…b….l… e.
The pain hits me. I grit my teeth. I cry- a little. Not wanting the friends to see that I am crying, I quickly and quietly wash off the single tear that is trickling down my chin.
10:00 am
The friends leave to come back in a few hours- they need to wrap up work, to get some prints of a few of my tests that had happened earlier.
Husband and I walk through the contractions. I take a breather in between and admire the view through an entire wall of glass. The life outside seems as before. There were people driving to work, there was still some mist, there was still the same sun struggling through the fog. But nothing in my life would perhaps ever be the same.
11:00 am
We are asked to go for an ultrasound before the delivery. I am wheeled down to the room. We meet the Ultrasound Doctor. Let’s call him- F’king Piece Of Shit. Now, this FPOS asks me on why am I there. Me, who is in the middle of a contraction is gritting my teeth. He ignores the Husband standing next to me and asks me again, ”So, Minal why are you here?’ The Husband tells him that I am in labour. He again ignores the Husband and asks me on why am I there. Me, who is again in the middle of a contraction by then, grit my teeth, hold on to the sides of the bed tightly and manage to whisper, “I am in labour. I am about to have a baby.”
He straps the machine to my stomach and mutters almost to himself, “Exactly- this should have had happened earlier.”
I tell him I was supposed to have my last scan today but I got into labour last night. He peers at his screen and looks at some complicated charts and then asks the Husband on when was the last scan done. I tell him, 34th week.
He looks at me lying on the bed and says, “ Minal your baby has not developed beyond 34th week. I am sorry to say but there is no growth.” I am in so much pain that I do not understand what is he saying. I look at the Husband. He does not understand either. He gives him a blank look. The FPOS repeats his statement. Husband manages to mutter, “Is everything well?” The FPOS repeats his statement exactly the same way- again. Husband manages to mutter again, “Is everything well?”
I ask the Husband to call my Doctor. The FPOS is by then showing the Husband some complicated charts on screen, examples of some other babies and scans that he had done earlier.
I ask the Husband to leave and to just carry the report. I am wheeled out again. We meet each other’s eyes while in the lift. I can’t feel anything- emotionally, I am blank. Once I reach the room, we call the Doctor. She asks me to calm down and says it seems like a mistake. She has been monitoring me throughout- it doesn’t seem likely.
12:00 am
The pain is unbearable. I am crying openly. There are no breaks in between contractions. I plead the Husband to lets go for a Caesarean delivery. I ask him to call my Doctor. He holds me tightly and peers at the screen which monitors the intensity of the contractions. He sees it increasing and knows that I am just not able to take it anymore. He runs for the Doctor.
The Doctor confirms that I am 5 cms dilated. Mid way through! She asks if I would want to go for an Epidural. I nod my head. A few more people are called in the room. The epidural doctor comes over to me and tells me that she needs to warn me about a few things before they insert the needle in my spine.
For the benefit of those who might not be aware of what an epidural is- it is a life savior. It is a blessing. It is an amazingly beautiful invention. It is some liquid that is passed on to your body by inserting a needle in your spine. Trust me, by then the pain is so very intense that if they would have had wanted to insert 100 needles in my spine saying that that would lessen my pain, I would have had agreed. But that miraculous invention just reduces the pain by about 70 percent. Trust me, at that moment even that promise is worth the needle insertion. Hell, worth insertion of 100’s of needles.
Now, this miraculous invention also has a lot of side affects like shivering, fever, days of continous head ache etc. and before they administer the drug they need to warn the patient and that is what the Epidural Doctor was trying to do. But, I was in no condition to hear. I just screamed at her, “Just go ahead.”
The Husband screamed, “ Just do it.”
She calmly looked at me and continued, “I need to tell the patient. She should be aware of the side effects.” And she continued with her monotone. I just managed to hear her last part, “So, are you fine with it?”
I think I screamed, “ Yes. Yes. Yes. ”
12:30 pm
I am singing. I am really singing and telling the Husband I would want to kiss the person who has invented the epidural. The room is empty again. Husband is sitting on the ledge next to the huge wall of glass. Sun light is streaming in. He is working on his laptop- bathed in the warm light.
I look at him- I feel love. For him. For us.
I sleep.
1:15 pm
I am woken up by a commotion in the room. The moment I open my eyes I see the Husband with a confused look on his face. There are too many people around me. There is too much noise. There is some Doctor screaming at a nurse to wheel me in to the operation room. I hear someone saying, “Put oxygen on her. Check the pulse.”
The next thing that I remember is the huge length of the hospital corridor. I remember the look in the Husband’s eyes. I see him standing right under the white light of the Hospital corridor with a book in hand. I remember meeting his brown eyes over the huge length of the Hospital corridor while I am being wheeled in. He looks like a lost child. There are too many people around me but I can see only one. Only him! The rest are just at the periphery. Somehow hazy- very hazy. I can just not focus on them despite trying.
This room is smaller, more crowded. I ask for my Doctor. She has not come in as yet. I turn towards my right and see the Husband behind a curtain- he meets my eyes and mouths, “Don’t worry. She is on her way.”
The new unknown Doctor is saying, “She is completely dilated. We need to push.” She asks me to push. I tell her I want my Doctor- I can’t feel anything.
Then I hear the voice of my doctor, the one who has taken me through my entire pregnancy. I hear her calm voice asking me to push- I still can't feel anything. She is asking me to calm down, to be with her. I try. I try coming back to the present. I try waking up. I try concentrating. I look at the Husband on my right and I push. I push with all my energies. And now I feel it- I feel the pain. I can feel the head and a searing, tearing pain. The Doctor is calmly talking me through. Though there are too many people around but she is addressing me. She tells me that we are trying to use vaccum to get the baby’s head out as he’s stuck. I nod. She asks me to push- She asks me to not lose faith. She tells me I am doing a good job. I try. But I can just feel the pain. I try getting up a little and I see blood all around. I can see my feet and my white socks soaked in blood. I lie back and I push. With each contraction, there are nurses around me holding my hands down, who are helping me calm down.
I can hear all the talking in the room. The unknown doctor is asking to do a caesarean. There is something on the pulse dropping again. My doctor asks for forceps. I hear her calm voice again saying, “One last attempt. I would try with forceps.”
This hurts. There are too many people around me- all of them almost crying in a fanatic monotone and asking me to push. My Doctor tells me we are almost there. She assures me again that I am doing a very good job- just to hang on a little while longer. There is a nurse on top of me now. Her expert hands are moving across my stomach- it actually feels relieving. I see the Husband walking out. I zone in my energies- one last time.
I push.
1:42 pm
And I hear the crying. Some more commotion but I cannot make out anything that is being said. I see the Cockroach being dangled in front of my eyes. Someone is holding him by his legs. I can’t see the someone holding him but I try and focus on the dangling child. I am told that I have a son. I try asking, “Is everything alright?” I can’t speak.
I am crying silently. I have tears streaming down my eyes. I just can’t stop them. I look towards my left where the placenta is being stored and packed for transfer.
I am shivering. I am feeling very, very cold. I try catching the eyes of my doctor who along with quite a few people whom I do not recognize is stitching me up.
I try telling her that I am cold. I can’t speak. I am shivering. The Doctor senses it. She asks the nurse to get me something warm. I close my eyes. I can hear them talk- each and every word. There is some discussion on the extent of tear. There is a senior doctor who is being called for. There is this senior Doctor who comes in and confirms that it is going the right way. I try opening my eyes and registering her face- I still cannot focus but I can hear. I again close my eyes. I hear someone asking the Doctor that am I sleeping? I hear her almost smiling and asking me, “Minal how can you sleep through this?” I try telling her- I am not. But I can still not form words. I am still shivering. I feel the cold right till my bones. The stitching, the discussions, the people coming in and going carries on for quite some time. I look around for the Husband but I don’t see him. Then I remember asking him to promise that he would be with the Cockroach as soon as he/she is born. To be with him/ her till the Hospital tags him/her. I had an inherent fear of someone tagging and giving me the wrong baby. All babies look similar. How would they know? I feel relieved that the Husband is with the Cockroach.
The Doctor finally confirms that they are through. She congratulates me- tells me I was very, very brave and says she would see me soon. She leaves.
The nurses remove my blanket. They take off my blood soaked socks. She asks me on should she throw it away. I say, no! I am quite sentimental that ways.
(PS: I DID throw away the dried- blood- soaked- stiff socks. I am sentimental but not gross)
I am asked to roll over to a bed right adjacent to the one on which the delivery had happened. I try moving. I can’t feel my lower half of the body. I just can’t move. The nurses try helping me. I am midway between the two when I feel so very light.
I suddenly feel no pain- absolutely no pain.
I see the Husband running towards me with Zero. I see the greenery around. I feel the grass beneath my feet. I feel the wind. I watch Zero running towards me. His hair blowing in the wind. He is running like a lion. He has now reached me. He is jumping all over me. He is licking me. His hair is getting in my nose. I push him. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I am struggling to breathe- his hair is in my nose, in my lungs. I gasp for breath.
Suddenly I feel the pain. Searing, tearing pain. I hear commotion around me. I hear someone calling my name. I feel someone slapping me across my cheeks. I feel some one putting a mask on my face. I remove it. I hear someone asking me, are you fine?
I hear myself speak, “yes!”
3:00 pm
I am wheeled back to the labour room. I see the Husband standing there- we look at each other. I cry!
After settling me down everyone leaves and then the Cockroach is wheeled in in a small breakfast table kind of a rolling piece of furniture. He is just so tiny. He is wrapped up completely. I can just see his face. The smiling nurse hands him over to me and says, “ bahut mushkil se aaya hai aapka yeh beta.”
I don’t know how to hold him. He is just so tiny. I move my fingers across his face. He is just so soft. I move my hands over a tag saying, “Boy of Mrs. Minal Srivastava”
I whisper, “Welcome boy of Mrs Minal Srivastava” and look over at the Husband who still looks dazed. We meet each other’s eyes. We connect like we have perhaps never ever connected in the past decade and more that we have known each other.
We stand like that for what seemed like ages.
It suddenly dawns on me, we were now a family, like for- forever!
Saturday, February 04, 2012
My Name Is Sheila, Sheila Ki Jawani
...just kidding. Though I never really understood what Sheila meant by this. Her name is Sheila or Sheila ki Jawani? Pl enlighten.
Anyways, unlike Beti B, we do have a name.
> It is: Aahaan- The beginning.
> The name is Aahaan which means- the beginning.
> It is not to be read as Aahaan- The beginning. That sounds like a B grade Bollywood production.
> Though he is my greatest production as on date.
> Not that I have produced very many things or ...beings as of now. But I have definitely produced him.
> I have grown him in my tummy and then split open my body in two to give birth to him and now would be feeding him for the very many months to come.
Biology, I tell you- is weird!
Anyways, unlike Beti B, we do have a name.
> It is: Aahaan- The beginning.
> The name is Aahaan which means- the beginning.
> It is not to be read as Aahaan- The beginning. That sounds like a B grade Bollywood production.
> Though he is my greatest production as on date.
> Not that I have produced very many things or ...beings as of now. But I have definitely produced him.
> I have grown him in my tummy and then split open my body in two to give birth to him and now would be feeding him for the very many months to come.
Biology, I tell you- is weird!
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
Friday, January 06, 2012
Sick Of Being Sick. I Want Home Now
Last that I saw my baby he had bald patches on his head. Husband conveyed that now he has a head full of hair. When I refused to believe him , he showed him on Skype. He was not lying. By the time I reach home I expect him to be potty trained.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Update
I am back at the hospital but this time without my baby. It seems hard to believe the way my battered body craves for someone whom have known and had for less than twenty days.
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